you fuel me

you pull me together like blood and soft stitches, like salt to a wound; you disinfect me. i hold onto you as though you’re the hopeless light that i need to remind myself that i am living. i keep you around to hear your naive whisper as you tell me i’m enough. i put you to your knees with harsh words and judgment giving you a worthless aura.

i’m going to speak with more honesty than my lips have ever mouthed to you before.

i am lost; i feel it, that unfamiliarity around me, fuck i feel my skin crawling away from my own body. i used to love myself to sin and saw myself with a grandiose perception. maybe i was so scared of death that i wanted part of me to always live here; even if it’s through the scars of the wounds i’ve carved with the blade of my sharp truth. maybe i was a coward and built a façade that i could comfortably stand behind, detached and homeless. and now, as i lay here on cold concrete with repulsive aromas, i can tell you i am sick of the silence that greets me when i go to bed. i am terrified you’re going to forget me and i hate that i have grown to need you. as much as i wish it was romantically, it’s not. i’m lonely in the way that i need to be loved and you are the only one that can do this now. i beg for you to not forget me, not to leave me behind where the shadows clench my throat and evaporate my air. i’m desperate and weak.

i wish i could love you with puppy dog eyes and red roses. i wish us meant cold summer breezes on moon lit beaches. i wish we grew to parent children with awful family trips and burnt recipes.

truth is i hate that you are worthy of these things and my breathing restricts you from that life. because as much as i worry that you’ll leave me and forget my existence; you are just as attached as me. i have made you this way. do you feel the silence? do you feel the darkness caressing your airway? it’s me baby. taking your breath away with torture. it’s me controlling your throat and restricting your peace. it’s me deafening you with silence. as i am laying here speaking about a heart i no longer have, this is why i have you. i no longer have a heart willing to pump my sadistic blood and so i fuel off of yours.

i’m sorry that your life ended with me, but i am so thankful for your obedience. trapped. tortured. faithful.