Right now I am listening to blood bank by Bon Iver as I am simply laying on my bed in my room, staring at the ceiling and trying to be consumed by the lyrics. And still my day rotates through my head with no signs of stopping. Today I was told to be strong, as if I weren’t already. Today I was encouraged to find hope, as if I hadn’t before. Today I was told to not be afraid, as if fear had controlled me earlier.
Cancer is a six letter word that seemed harmless to say minutes ago. Hearing it said in a hospital is enough to send shivers up my spine. Seeing the doctor’s lips move as he pronounces that deathly six letter word was enough to have me running. Feeling his hand on my spine as he said ‘cancer’ was enough to send me on route to heaven. I could feel myself giving up and losing faith but then pictures of my past and everyone involved swarmed my mind as if I had angered bees in a hive. At this point, I would rather the bees corrupt my mind because the pictures just remind me of the remarkable life that I left unknowingly the moment I walked into this hospital.
Each day I am breathing. My heart is pumping. I see the world. I hear the world but can you really call this living? It has been three weeks since I was diagnosed with cancer. This state of reality is far from my dreams and closer to my nightmares. I have goals and dreams. But in these circumstances, how can I pursue them? I want to make a difference in someone’s life. I want to change the world. I want to live without fear and laugh without judgement. I want to believe in the beauty of this world and be able to share it with people I love. I want to be held in someone’s arms for a lifetime. Are these dreams impossible or are they just too out of reach for a cancer patient?
When I view the world, I see an endless amount of opportunities. I see the potential to be anything you want. I see the world as our own personal play ground; we can go wherever, do whatever and feel whatever our heart pleases. I see other’s who take advantage of life and I feel like they don’t believe in the privilege of our one time on earth. I see people who have everything they could imagine, every dream come true, every wish granted and yet at the end of the day, there is something they have to resent. What about us? What about the people who long for that day a wish is granted? It’s not necessary for me to have my aspirations met because my condition is fatal. The people in the world who do not desire or wish or want, are the ones who need it the most.
Sometimes on the days when I feel strongest I think about my life, and what could have been different. I go through my personal list of ‘what if’ questions. I change my life in my head, and for a few moments I feel happiness rushing through my blood. My heart rises as I see myself taking in the joys of life. For those few moments I leave this time, this world and this disease. But even in my head and in my dreams I can’t change reality. This is who I am now.
Today, I cannot sit here and tell you that I am strong. I cannot stand here and show you hope. I cannot lay here and tell you I am not scared. I have lived an amazing life in such a short time. I have been consistent with myself as a person as well as with my qualities. Cancer will not change me. It’s silent attack will not trigger my fear. I can be strong. I can find hope. I can believe in tomorrow. I will not hold back any longer. I will not quit when this get challenging. I will survive.