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lost limbs

there are days i can’t look myself in the eye, there are days where my past gets so loud that i won’t hear you. i think of those who have lost limbs and how they say it’s never the severed part that hurts but rather the body’s awareness that something is missing. my body is consumed by the awareness that pieces of me are missing. lost. damaged. brutalized.

some days i find gratitude for that pain and allow it to drive me into a form of stability that continues to feel imposturous.

and then there comes days like today where my mind wanders to what life would be like without me and whether my breath would be of more service in someone else’s lungs. on days like today the pain is more visceral and so i allow me to feel it. i let it immerse me in its bone chilling current and strip the breath from my lungs. i let it steal my sleep and eat away at my appetite and keep me in the same fucking tee shirt.

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