butterfly kisses

butterfly kisses are all i remember; soft exchanges as she saw me off to school. this was her routine; before she punctured her veins with a used needle filled with the vile evidence of addiction. butterfly kisses; as though it was time for me to fly. the irony of this is that she clipped my wings, disallowing my ability to soar, every time she broke skin.

i remember her paranoia as though it was my own; securing doors and monitoring windows. i would calm her with reassurance and reorientation. this became my normal. this became my reality. putting pressure on her self-inflicted wounds that i only felt the pain for.

her choices make me think twice about the second glass of wine at dinner. she makes me fearful of adrenaline and resistant towards any substance that might seduce me; or so i tell you, as i crackle the cocaine into crystal and smoke myself into another life; a tolerable vivacity. i inhale the memory of her with the flame and hold her in. my pupils dilate and i feel relief. at this point i exhale and she no longer exists; we never met. i soak in the short, intense high; begging for permanence.

alone. detached. uncontrolled.